Standard (EADGBE)

Hey, little man, get up out of bed

And wipe all the sleep from those eyes

I know that it’s late, but we just couldn’t wait

To tell you our big new surprise

Remember that night, about three months ago

When you walked into Mom and Dad’s room?

And then how we talked of the birds and the bees

And “arousal” and “climax” and “wombs?”

Well, six months from now, you’ll be a big brother

That’s right, Little Tiger, it’s true:

Mommy and Daddy are making a better version of you

It might be a boy, just like his older brother

But without the flaws holding you down

Or, if we are lucky, we could have a girl

Like we wanted the first time around

Maybe this new person won’t wet the bed

Or bug us for candy and toys

I bet the new you will shut up when we tell them

And not make so much goddamn noise

Thanks to the five years we’ve had you to practice on

Now we know what not to do

Mommy and Daddy are making a better version of you

Can you imagine the things he’ll achieve

As a doctor or lawyer or Indian chief?

He’ll be an astronaut, he’ll bring world peace

He will win the World Series and cure all disease

He will be handsome

And he will be popular

He will be wealthy

And very important

And he will be famous

And he will be special

And you get to watch

It’s a lot for a five-year-old boy to take in

But we know that you’re brave and you’re tough

We ask that you give to him all of your love

And your bedroom and all of your stuff

It’s not a replacement—it’s more like an upgrade

It’s Our Little Guy, version II

Mommy and Daddy are making

The bun’s in the oven and baking

Mommy and Daddy are making a better version of you